| What I did when it snowed a lot a few weeks ago... |
|
|
| 06:27am 13/03/2006 |
| |
mood:  chipper music: H.I.M. - The Sacrament
|
The mighty and elusive North American Snow Buffalo - a rarity in northern Virginia. I am sure it was the only one on my block. No wussy snowmen for me! -oh yeah and I quit my job! Yay! ... but I have another one now. damn.
( 3 more pics )
I know the proportions are off in certain parts, but I was pretty happy with it for just one morning of work (all the shoveling it took to get that snow together and packed tight enough was tough though). |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Yay for Jury Duty! - @#%~! |
|
|
| 05:11am 24/11/2005 |
| |
mood:  anxious music: PM DAWN - Norwegian Wood
|
Oh god, my job is gonna looooove this: I have to go to jury duty starting december 6th. HA!
I work in an already short-staffed stockroom in a retail store, and it's the holiday season. I have a very important position making sure that we have items people don't need and pay way too much money for, then I help them put these idiotic purchases into their cars. Then, later, I'll help them return it when they decide it doesn't "match" the items already in their house... or when they get their VISA bill. I'm also apparently supposed to be a janitor, too- because the other adults can't clean up after themselves. Did I mention I really intensely love my job? Is the sarcasm showing?
But still, much as a reprieve from my work environment would usually be appreciated, I fear that it may cut into my vacation with my family. and, given the trauma that the holidays can bring (my sister died last year and believe me, that's the only thing that can bring more trauma than vacationing with my uptight dad every year. he's angry and yells a lot when you're not expecting it. it's scary. the dude's gonna give me a heart attack one day) But seriously, if I have to be here for the holidays, I'm going to have a fucking breakdown. yessireebob. crack right up. *snap*
So they will be hearing my sob story at the county office -AND THEY'D BETTER FUCKING LET ME GO. I'm dead serious. they can have me for jury duty in january or something. just anytime but now or my birthday. Those are my two dedicated nervous breakdown, teetering-on-the-edge-of-sanity times a year. That's not too much to ask, is it? c'mon, people. |
|
| |
|
Read 2 - Post |
| |
| I have disappeared... into retail. |
|
|
| 01:50am 10/11/2005 |
| |
For anyone wondering:
No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, although I feel like I'm on the edge sometimes. No, no, no. I just work a lot. (and yes Mike, my computer is fixed, and yes, it was the power supply. thanks!)
It is now 1:52 AM. I got out of work 3 hours ago. I go back in in 4 hours. Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Just a few more weeks... Then I'll be snowboarding at Lake Tahoe with my family, then in Reno gambling away all the money I'm working for right now! (j/k) Holidays suck a whole lot since my sister died (it was worst for me on my birthday, though) but my family decided to try something different last year, and we went to Vegas, so this year it's Reno & Tahoe. I haven't been snowboarding in a while. It will rock.
Okay, just a shower and off to bed now. 3 hours of sleep. woo-fuckin-hoo. |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| "Pumpkin Carving Day" and my broken computer. |
|
|
| 06:13am 27/10/2005 |
| |
mood:  tired music: can't play a CD- my computer's broken
|
I went to carve pumpkins today in Maryland with my friend Nathan, his little brother Grant and his girlfriend Veronica. Our third year now of doing this. I guess it's become a tradition. I love pumpkin carving day. Absolutely freaking love it. gooey and gross and knives and fire... and hot cocoa afterward. it's great!
My computer spontaneously turned itself off while I was gone. Now it will not turn on. not a damned thing happens when I hit the power button, or the reset button... or the switch in the back. dammit. I'm using my mom's computer to write this. good times.
My job is still kicking my ass, but I've been juggling more, and accomplished all the things I wanted to do in the previous post (I also found out that sharpened old drumsticks work pretty damned good as a throwing weapon) pictures to come later... much later if my computer doesn't come back to life.
I want to start juggling fire. I'm considering making my own torches. Woohoo! |
|
| |
|
Read 5 - Post |
| |
| Damn days off... |
|
|
| 09:42pm 24/10/2005 |
| |
mood:  determined music: Faith No More - Ashes To Ashes
|
*sigh* It's not that I love my job. it's not lack of social contact on my days off (although that's a part of it, I'm sure). I think it's just because my job is a distraction. at least, I use it as such. When I'm not there, I feel a void- like "I know should be doing something right now", but all I do is sleep on my days off. so I wake up in the evening (7:00PM today) and once again, I have missed the daylight hours, most hours of errand-running-store-openness, and generally have the feeling that I wasted my day. my day off. I hate that feeling.
Well, tonight I don't care that it's going to be 10 PM when I leave the house to start my 'day'. I'm going to an empty, but well-lit parking lot. I'm going to try to ride my unicycle for a while (I'm still learning) and then try to play violin out in my van for a while(I need to practice that more than the unicycling- man, I suck), and then I might throw knives for a bit in my basement, provided it does not wake the rest of my family (hmm, maybe if I cover the metal handles in duct tape it won't be so loud?). then I will listen to my walkman while I yo-yo with my Duncan FreeHand. Later, I'll stream the episode I missed of my favorite old-time radioshow: Gunsmoke (which I missed because I was at WORK). If I have time. I'm going to work on my bounce-juggling skills. Then it's time for a large Dunkin Donuts' coffee, and then off to work. no sleep for me, but no victory for my job in the battle to take over my life and will.
Take that, job! I'm joining the circus! (yeah, I wish)
Maybe I'll shave part of my head next week (not all of it, though, just the way I had it before, when I was a stagehand, fuck retail!) whatever. |
|
| |
|
Read 8 - Post |
| |
| The Rat in Me needs some cheese |
|
|
| 03:46am 29/09/2005 |
| |
mood: tired
|
I got a job again.. and man, I am one busy, busy, busy bee. Working 55+ hours this week. It's a new store opening in Tysons I (in the new AMC wing, opening this weekend). The store is called West Elm. I am working in the Stockroom. woohoo. tired. of course it's also almost 4 AM... dammit. must sleep.
too tired to imagine writing much more. goodnight. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Our inability to look for a long-term solution to energy problems will be the death of US |
|
|
| 07:53pm 06/09/2005 |
| |
mood:  fed up with non-discussion music: C-SPAN 90.1 FM -Wash. D.C.
|
Listening to C-SPAN radio today around 5PM: The Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee.
After U.S. Senators discussed accusations of price-gouging by fuel retailers, U.S. fuel consumption being up, consumer competition from China and India, possible price gouging from OPEC and other factors, well, instead of talking about other energy options, lessening our use and dependence on oil(foreign or domestic) long-term solutions, or anything that may have seemed rational and logical (oh no, no, no... how dare I demand such things from my representatives!) instead, I was immediately treated to this gem of a suggestion -which recieved no vocal opposition AT ALL during the long period I listened to the committee: drill in The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and the continental shelf to relieve our suffering and the skyrocketing price of oil. We need more oil. We have it here in the U.S., untapped. "Untapped!" he repeated with force and disbelief in his voice. (I really wish I knew which senator it was)
First of all, there has been a government-imposed moratorium on drilling the continental shelf -with the exception of part of the Gulf of Mexico and part of Alaska's coast- for years(since 1988, I believe), for environmental reasons. Controversy over offshore drilling first surfaced in the United States in 1969, after a cracked sea floor led to a huge oil spill off Santa Barbara, California
secondly, drilling the hell out of Alaska won't make a bit of a difference if you can't refine it into usable fuel (not to mention risking polluting a beautiful refuge for wildlife in North America).
We consume about 25% of the worlds oil, but we can only produce about 40% of our own. Even if there's a surplus of oil in the world and we import or drill domestically and get all the gas we could ever need, there would still be a significant crunch because we still can't do anything with it until it has been refined - The last refinery built in the US was in Garyville, Louisiana, and it started up in 1976*. Demand has risen significantly around the world since then. Almost all refineries in the US are at 100% production. There are simply not enough of them.
Russian production growth stopped last September. India and China (China now has the fastest-growing rate of gas consumption) are new competitors in an already unstable market which is rife with corruption and irrevocably intertwined with politicians and influencing government policy.
Does all this seem like a recipe for trouble to anyone else but me?
_____________________________________________
I'm just fed up with things right now. It breaks my heart, all the shit that goes on. The corruption, ignorance, the bearucratic B.S. and languid -even apathetic attitudes that so many people seem to have while so many other people are fighting just to live.
People are often wretched creatures toward one another, and looking the other way is not going to help. There needs to be some resistance against just continuing our current policies, as they are obviously not working. We need to actually think about the future, not just let it creep up on us and bite us all in the ass someday soon. I believe now is an opportune time to think about our future, as far as social policies and energy policies, because of the current drama being brought to everyone's TV screens about all the poor americans in Lousiana and Mississippi who were caught in Hurricane Katrina, sraping to survive. Now, people that would not otherwise notice or care are being forced to see that every day, and also feeling the financial sting at the fuel pump- which directly affects their lives, so maybe they'll pay attention now, at least I hope.
_____________________________________________
oh, by the way- After the new energy bill passed(Aug. 9th) New mexico senator Pete Domenici(R-NM) -chairman of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, said he will include a provision authorizing Arctic drilling as part of a budget procedure that is not subject to filibuster. A similar maneuver is being planned in the House, although the final strategy is being worked out.*
Fuckers. -I wish I could move to the moon, but I fear that is too close and they will force me to drill there to look for more oil once I've landed. Ugh. |
|
| |
|
Read 5 - Post |
| |
| DAMN YOU... |
|
|
| 07:01pm 18/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  pissed off music: none... listening for him...
|
I will find you, you bloodsucking little bitch, and when I do the only merciful aspect of your death is that it will be quick, for you are too small to torture and taunt like you have done to me for the past week you wretched creature.
I will find you. because I know you will find another little spot on exposed skin to perch and not only take the nutrients that I worked to put into my body, but also leave your vile saliva which just happens to make my skin feel as if I've just had 1,000 little glass slivers inserted beneath my skin.
Some people say "It's just a mosquito." They are wrong. Because for some people it's not just one little bloodsucking bandit, it's all of them. I must emit some kind of homing beacon for them that's like the 'Hot Light' being on outside a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Shop.
I will find you when you try to take what is not yours you little thief... and when I do, I will take great pleasure in making the torture stop. at least in my room... for at least 5 minutes, before another one of you finds me.
Damn you. Damn you all.
Long pants, check.
Long sleeve shirt, check.
Hat, check.
Socks, check.
Scarf, check. (I know it's summer, but I also know there's a moquito in my room... I have my priorities.)
Through all my most elaborate defenses, you still manage to penetrate through to my oh-so-allergen-sensitive skin and bite me... on my hand. only my hands and face (only from eyes to mouth) are exposed, and you find them when I take a moments rest from my neverending mosquito watch to check my email.
My hand is on fire.
Damn you. |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| Pics... of me Juggling. |
|
|
| 12:00pm 18/08/2005 |
| |
mood: chipper music: Kermit The Frog - Rainbow Connection
|
My friend douglas brought me an old camera to see if I could get it to work... I did, and experimented with some longer exposure pics of me juggling and yo-yoing.
3 clubs
3 clubs
( A few more pics here... )
They were fun to do and I was really curious as to how and *if* they would come out. It's an older SLR camera from a thrift store. Not bad. and I was really impressed to see how smooth my juggling has become, the heights of all the throws look pretty even. :) |
|
| |
|
Read 6 - Post |
| |
| I decided to try this again... dealing with the star tables... and the memories. |
|
|
| 08:23am 18/08/2005 |
| |
mood:  pensive music: Dolly Parton - I Am Ready
|
Well, I've had a lot of time to think, and I know I need to do something. I've decided I'm going to try to sell my Happy Star Tables. If anyone who reads this knows anyone in the DC area who might be interested, the Craigslist 'For Sale' Ad is here.
I had worked with my friend Tashie last year making these cool little star-shaped tables which she painted with different colors and big happy faces on them. Then my sister comitted suicide, and I kept pushing with the effort anyway, probably because it was all I could do was focus everything on that one thing... we went to an event and tried to sell them and failed. I had invested WAY too much emotionally in that one day, so when it didn't work out- I stuffed them in the garage in defeat. And they have remained there for a year. It is time for them to go. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| Tena. Texas. Twelve days. TSA- please be kind to me |
|
|
| 02:55am 20/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  packing for 9 AM flight at 3AM music: The Cars - Just What I Needed
|
Well, I'm off to wreak havoc on the Lone Star State.
I'll be back on monday, Aug 1st.
Maybe I'll find myself a nice southern girl while I'm down there... if I can escape my family long enough to go frolic with the other homos (Yeah, right. Good luck on that, Tena).
Well, hopefully I'll at least have something to write about when I get back... or maybe I'll just be bitching about the ten pounds I'll gain from all the damn good barbeque places in Texas. nah, no bitching... it tastes so good!
Damn I'm tired. I always stay up all night when I have to fly so I can sleep through the plane ride. It makes me kind of ill with motion sickness- and the planes always smell like bad food and stale, recycled air. maybe that's why I gave up on being an astronaut.
by the way- Thanks Jimmy, Twig and Becky for hanging out and definitely for playing Scrabble on Sunday. I believe a rematch is in order. See ya when I get back. Oh, and I have to see Interrogation... I keep missing the shows. |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
| I want to scream. |
|
|
| 04:55am 05/07/2005 |
| |
mood: angry music: Sevendust - Damaged
|
This was my sister, Erika. She would've been 22 today.
I want to scream.
I can't stop crying. I don't know what else I can do. I hurt. I want to hit things and yell and squeeze and pull apart and tear and twist and cut and bash things into nonexistence. I feel like I could shatter a building to dust just by screaming at it. Or pound my van with my fists until it's smaller than a VW bug. unfortunately I know that my body is not as strong as my pain. The tears won't stop, no matter what I do today.
Goddamit I miss my sister. There's nothing I can do to change the fact that she's gone. I'm her big sister. I'm supposed to fix things and make them better. but no one can fix me right now. i do't have words. i'm juts typing because there is nothing else I can do. I can harldy see the keyboard. i wish i could just scream at my computer.
lgrpfbtjnhib5hrgiyer3gbujnuo44tgbor
oh fucking goddamit.why
*****
It took me over 30 minutes to type this damn entry. |
|
| |
|
Read 19 - Post |
| |
| Good times! I just love hospitals at 1 AM. :( |
|
|
| 06:20am 01/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  worried music: none
|
You'd think on my mom's birthday she wouldn't have been cursed by god to have ANOTHER goddam heart attack?
*Deep breath* ok... well, I've been up all night again. It's kind of hard to sleep when your dad takes your mom to the hospital at 1 AM because she is having the same pains and symtoms associated with her last heart attack.
Happy birthday, Ma. I love you. Please be ok. I'm damn sick of worrying. it's been a long year. I can't take this shit. No more nightmares.
gaddam I'm tired. I'm going to try to get some sleep. forgive any typos, I can't see the screen well. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Why do the butch girls like me? |
|
|
| 01:18am 30/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  uncomfortable music: Reel Big Fish - Nothin'
|
Do I send out some sort of butch dyke homing beacon? I have nothing against butch girls. They're nice to hang and play pool with -but I'm just not attracted to them. come to think of it, I don't like super femme girls either... I guess I just don't like the whole 'role' thing altogether. Mind you, I've never felt all that girly... but this weekend I felt down right prissy compared to the girls who were looking at me.
Does anyone know if butch girls tend to have a certain look that they like or something about me that may tend to attract them? What gives? I would like to know how to avoid this in the future, as I am not good at saying "no thanks" and they are usually very forward and aggressive.
Anyway, I had fun visiting my friend Douglas. We went to a few bars. Tashie and I got drunk in his pool, which (since I rarely drink and have no tolerance) took a whopping 3 drinks for me this time. I got a grand total of 4 hours of sleep before I had to make the 7 hour drive back home. woohoo. It was a nice little break, though. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| wow I'm tired. What a day! |
|
|
| 02:16am 25/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  hopeful music: Eddie Murphy - Boogie In Your Butt
|
I woke at 7AM, because my friend George called me at 2 AM and asked if he could get a ride to work in Laurel MD (I used to work at the same place) an hour away from me in Northern VA. He was in a real bind, so I said I'd help him out. I showed up with him and I got to work too. 7 paid working hours (I don't have a steady job right now, so anything helps), and a free lunch at Freindly's.
We chopped down two trees today outside the warehouse. Goddam I love to swing an Axe. Yup, I'm Paul-fuckin-Bunyan. I love it I love it I love it. Machetes and axes and tress oh my! damn I love to break and chop shit up. Yay!
So anyway, I was really tired from waking early and then completely dyking out with sharp objects and physical work in the sun, but I had agreed to Poker night with Geroge and some other people... $10 buy in, 20 cent minimum bets, proceeding from there. Texas hold'em style. I walked with $25. I usually suck at poker, so this was a really good night. Unfortunately, I was supposed to be in bed hours ago, because I'm driving to Rochester NY tomorrow with my freind Tashie to see our fagalicious mutual freind, Douglas. What a gay weekend I'm going to have. Two dykes going to visit another homo. will the clubs just burst into flames as the holy homo trinity approach? I will find out Saturday night, I guess....
Goodnight. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Ever wonder why it would be wonderful to date a clown? |
|
|
| 09:02am 23/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  giggly music: The Used - The Taste Of Ink
|
I like unicycles and juggling and stuff, so I was looking up stuff on circus arts, and found this.
Why it would be wonderful to date a clown:
- No fear of relationship getting too serious too fast
- "Hypoallergenic" not in her vocabulary
- Absolutely zero pressure to be funny
- Could get rides with the gang (but no room for groceries)
- 1) Happy or 2) Sad; none of the typical "I can't figure out what I'm feeling but you're to blame" emotional antics.
- Lots of whoopee cushions lying around to accuse
- No fear that their friends are too cool for me (except maybe the midgets)
- Plenty of seltzer around
- Comic prosthetics
- Hair could never look as bad as theirs in the morning (although today would be a close call...)
- Learning the ways of Unlawful Carnie Knowledge
- Pointing and laughing no longer necessarily directed at me
|
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Will any of my ideas ever come to fruition? |
|
|
| 08:10am 23/06/2005 |
| |
mood: pensive music: Peter Gabriel - More Than This
|
I get most of my ideas when I'm either driving around or when I'm lying in bed and can't sleep.
well, as I was trying to go to sleep (unsuccessfully) last night and had a random thought about a design for a vehicle for some race in the desert for a million dollar prize. (stop laughing, it's real, I tell you... REAL!) This was an actual contest, I knew, but I couldn't remember much of the details, so I had to look it up on google. It's the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) Grand Challenge! A team has to make a unmanned and completely self-navigating vehicle follow a course and avoid obstacles over 175 or less miles in under 10 hours. This year it is for two million dollars, because nobody won last year. It's on October 8th, 2005. I can't find info yet on the 2006 competition.
When I was a little kid (probably about 5 or 6 yrs. old), I really wanted to go to MIT. I liked mechanical stuff a lot, and everyone told me I was going to be an engineer someday. I don't know where I gave up on that, but it was probably around the time that I realized I didn't like school (about third or fourth grade). I loved to learn, but I didn't like school. I suppose the fact that they put me in GT ("Gifted and Talented" -god, I hated that name) classes didn't help my attitude. They seperated me from my friends and made me do twice the work as other students in regular classes, and I wasn't even doing anything really advanced.. it was the same stuff (same chapters exactly - I checked) as the regular classes, just more work. So I started doing less and less, and finally they put me back in the regular classes.
Crap like that has happened enough times in my life that I believe I developed a pattern of equating performing well with some kind of non-reward or punishment. I was tired of everyone expecting so much from me... especially when other kids would do the smallest things, the most unmemorable little achievements, and they would be praised, but not pressured for more. I guess I felt that I was always pressured for more.
You know, just reading over the beginning of this rant, I was reminded that when some friends of mine saw the movie "Good Will Hunting" they all said they immediately thought of me (Not that I'm as smart as the guy in that movie OR ANYWHERE CLOSE to that -and my math really sucks, to boot) but I definitely realize I have potential for (Insert proper word when you figure out what it is, Tena), and that I have issues that keep me feeling comfortable at this level of performance(doing nothing), even though I may want more.
I know, boo-fuckin-hoo, poor little me. I only write stuff like this down so as to try and tease apart and determine my own patterns of behavior, find out where I learned them, and if they are not good for me, try to change them.
I just really feel like a loser on a daily basis lately... I probably should mention that I am also in a huge depressive rut, so any rants for the next few weeks may be completely a result of the feelings of hopelessness and pessimistic attitude that I cannot seem to shake when I get this way. I need to remember to take my meds regularly. I guess it also doesn't help that my sister committed suicide last July, and her birthday is in July. No wonder I am so filled with happiness and joy more and more every day. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck, man. fuck.
*ahem* uh, where was I? oh yeah, I guess I shouldn't say "I feel like a loser". I am not a completely hopeless case. I just really feel like I haven't accomplished anything... and I guess I fear that I never really will. I have no follow through. I get lots of ideas, and love the idea of starting shit, and dream of the end results and possiblities... but they remain dreams because I never finish anything. I'm fucking sick of that. I'm just tired of it. maybe at least if I aim for something crazy like that DARPA Grand Challenge, I won't feel bad if I don't make it... (The grand challenge *is* crazy for me, because I know jack and shit about sensory or navigation technologies).
oh well, I ranted. I actually do feel better now... even if nobody reads it, I wrote it down, it's there for me to read later and look back on(and say "Damn, that's one crazy bitch!").
ugh. I need a job again. guess I should do something productive today and look for one and think about what the fuck I want to do with the next year of my life.
once again, my fears and feelings of inadequacy triumph over my need for a good sleep.
better luck tonight, I hope. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Last year really SUCKED. |
|
|
| 11:37am 20/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  + angry, + more music: I can't listen to music when I think about this shit...
|
Technical difficulties have deleted my previous attempt to post, so I'm going to keep this message short, and then just copy and paste part of another thing I wrote last year. The text I will paste below was originally part of an email I sent to people (who had not heard from me in a long time) explaining my aparrent fisappearance from the face of the earth.
I wrote this almost a year ago. It still hurts just as much.
This is fair game for anyone to read who stumbles across it, but I'm posting it here mostly to inform a few people(you know who you are), as they are the only people I really know on this site.
=========================
08.14.04
7AM, saturday morning, and I'm still awake.
I can't sleep at night. Instead, I am tired every day, all day. I've never really been this kind of tired before. From the moment I wake up, I just want to go back to sleep.
I feel like going sleep for a VERY long time and hoping I wake up feeling better, but I know that's not going to make things any easier in the long run.
An event has occurred that has thrust me into this depressive pit of anguish and introspection. Second-guessing my past actions and reminiscing (however painful it may be right now, I just can't help it).
There really aren't many nice words to describe the event that could so immediately alter one's day-to-day existence, so I'll just tell you bluntly: My sister died. More precisely, she killed herself.
============================================
The basic tale-of events as I know them:
She got into a fight with her boyfriend.
she smacked him.
he broke up with her (or threatened it, I'm not sure).
She tried to call him later and he wasn't answering her calls...
so...
She took a bunch of pills (while we were all sleeping - she didn't wake us up, damn her) and my brother found her convulsing in the bathroom at 5 am. -we don't know how much time had elapsed between her taking the pills and us finding her.
By the time I had woken up and wandered upstairs (My room is in the basement) they had already taken her to the hospital in an ambulance.
Long story short, she spent almost a week in the hospital in a coma... we got the EEG's back and they basically told us that she was braindead. no upper brain function whatsoever. It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through in my life.
Her condition was apparently deteriorating. her lower brain functions (heart rate, breathing, etc.) were being affected by swelling in the brain. She was an organ donor, and at one point she wanted to be a nurse, so we know she would have wanted to help other people out. ...when she wasn't being selfish. Suicide is a very selfish and short-sighted thing. It is a horrible thing to do, because even if you truly think that NOBODY cares, it will hurt everyone, so unless you're a vindictive asswipe who hates everyone and wants them to suffer immensely (which my sister was not), don't do it.
So, before her organs deteriorated to the point of no return, we gave permission for them to harvest whatever they could from her body to try and help others in need. She wasn't there anyway... she had really left us a week before.
========================================
Her ashes are sitting on our coffee table. That may seem fucked up, but they won't fit on the mantle or anything, so we just set down the container in the living room, and they just stayed there. It seems fitting to me right now that they are there, though. Right smack dab in the middle of our living room. It gives a physical representation to the void in our daily lives.
It's been a month now, and it's not getting any easier.
I spent 20 years with her in our little room. Just the two of us. We shared a room, and our older brother was in the room next door. None of us kids could seem to stay away from this house. We all still lived at home for some reason. She had just turned 21. I'm 25. My brother is 27.
Sharing a room with a sibling is an odd thing sometimes. It can make you extremely close, and at the same time, give the other person the ability to agitate you like no one else. When we were close, we were the best of friends. When we were pissed off at each other, we wanted to tear each other to shreds. I watched her grow up, tried to guide/direct her, but she always had this rebellious "I don't need your help" spirit. Maybe I wasn't very good at setting an example... I'll never know, I can't ask her now. But I remember a conversation I had with her after we went out to eat with a relative a few months ago, and it was just me and her, smoking, sitting in my car, in the parking lot of the restraunt. I was venting about problems I was having with a friend instilling doubt in me and my work, and she told me that she was very proud of me. That she was proud of how I had changed and the effort and progress I was making with my music and my craft business efforts.
That meant a lot to me. I suppose I've always felt that I was a bit of a let down and that perhaps she had expected more from a sister than I was able to deliver. But no, she was proud of me. I thought later -I'm proud of the way she turned out too. She's a good person. I'm glad she's my sister. I wish I had told her then. But I suppose I sort of told her approximately a year before. I had written her a letter after we had a nasty argument, and I realized I had overreacted. I told her that I wasn't really as mad as I seemed, and that:
...I know I haven't been the best person to you in my life, actually I could've been a lot better, I'm a real stupid ass sometimes, but you are my sister and I love you, don't ever think that I don't. I'm sorry if I'm not a good sister sometimes. But I try and I'll try harder.
Love,
Tena.
I made a concentrated effort in the months preceding her suicide to acknowledge her more on a daily basis (she thought I ignored her sometimes), and to try to be nice to her boyfriend. I suppose my dislike for her boyfriend really began when she started doing nothing but hanging out with him and started restructuring her life to make sure she was doing things he would like. She started changing her plans for life.
I understand that compromise is a necessary component of a relationship. However, there is a certain degree at which it becomes imbalanced. I definitely believe she had passed that point a long time ago.
======================
My sister read all those f'in chick magazines about "how to please your man" and how-to-compete-with-other-girls-for-a-man type of articles in magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour. -Is He Happy Being With You? -How To Lose Weight -Is He Cheating On You? -Are You And Your Man A Perfect Match? - 9 Ways To Tell, etc.
My sister had a subscription to Glamour and Cosmo. I especially hated them because she asked me to get them for her for christmas, and she knew I didn't like them and thought they were crap. But it was the only thing she wanted, and she asked *me*, so I got them for her.
Some gems from the Glamour edition that arrived at my house a week after my sister died:
*Are you good in bed? Great in bed? - Men on what the best lovers do very, very right.
*You don't need plastic surgery, you just need a makeover! - We hit THE SWAN tryouts to perform some quickie transformations, no scalpel required.
Ugh, I can't look at it anymore. it sickens me. I just feel like the anger is visible on my skin, as if I've been electrified with hatred.
It's not so much anger at the people who live their lives like that, but more sadness. Intense, aching, gut-wrenching, horrible sadness. It's sad to see people waste the opportunities they've been given. I just want to scream.
My little sister used to feel good about herself.
I remember when she felt good about herself and had goals for her life.
-She just didn't remember that when she really, really needed to.
========================================
They say (who are "they" anyway?) that anger is really just sadness amplified. I can believe that.
I'm so angry (or "It makes me so sad") that she didn't think of us. (She was utterly devoted to our mom, you think she would have thought about the fact that mom had just been in the hospital recieving heart surgery the week before and was still recovering from major surgery?) .
She left a note, but for HIM. She didn't wake us. She didn't wake me up to talk. We were all there Mom, Dad, my older brother, and me. She could have said something. ANYTHING. Instead she thought only of her own immediate pain. She didn't remember her life before HIM. So she obviously couldn't imagine her life without HIM.
I used to be a big sister. Overprotective and tough, but mushy on the inside.
That week she was at the hospital, I told god he could take my left arm. I begged him to. I was driving and my arm was hanging out my window in the wind, and I kept hoping that a stroke of divine intervention would send a car from the opposite direction careening towards my car, and shear my arm away from my shoulder... He could have my arm, so long as I had my sister back, and one arm left to hold her with.
But it didn't happen. I arrived at the hospital safe- all limbs intact.
I'm not a big sister anymore. I'll never be one again.
You only get one chance at life. If there's one lesson to be learned from this: Don't waste your chance on someone else's ideal of what life should be. Hold on to your aspirations. Don't let them go. Ever.
Remember who you wanted to be when you were 10? 15? 21? Are you on your way? Or have you lost your way?
Don't get caught up in the shitfest of society. You knew what you wanted once. Go out and get it.
== == == == == == == == == ==
Forgive me if I sound bitter, but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm gonna call things as I see them.
*****************************
Okay, now that the unpleasantness is out in the open, I guess that's that. I wanted to say something about it when I saw you guys, but it was a party (gee, that wouldn't seem like a downer, would it?!) and I have trouble saying it out loud...I'm still really fucked up. I do whatever I can to stay sane and not let this eat away at my core, but I find that I lose that battle more often than not.
But hey. - I'm alive. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| Hmmm. ok, So I got this livejournal account... |
|
|
| 07:55am 20/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  groggy music: in my head
|
How much time can I waste on the intermutt? Countless hours, my friend... countless hours.
My procrastination knows no bounds. -If only I could somehow harness this energy that I waste doing things so I don't have to do other things... and actually DID those other things I've been avoiding... I wonder how different my life could be? |
|
| |
|
Read 4 - Post |
| |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
chaoticmoose's journal